So, I’ll be honest and transparent. I’m pretty ticked off at God right now.
If you know my story, you know that I grew up with this view of God as my best friend. Even though I attended church weekly for the first 10 years of my life, I never really saw God as some tyrant in the sky making notes on my mistakes and punishing me for them. He was always a very personal presence that I relied on daily. So, I guess I never really figured God was offended by my feelings. I always felt pretty comfortable going to Him whether I was ecstatic, pensive, frustrated or down right angry.
If you’re of the opinion that God will look down on you if you shout at him, it’s time to have a good shouting match with Jesus. Just remember- His voice is the one that created everything we see just by making a sound. I don’t think you have to worry that you’ll be too loud. He also isn’t surprised by anything, so perhaps letting some of that pent up anxiety out is just the thing you need.
Anyway, I’ve spoken about my Mom and Dad on here before. My Mom is honestly one of the most amazing people I know. She grew up as the oldest of 5 children with a severe German father. After quitting college to work so my father could finish his pastoral degree, my mom became the faithful pastor’s wife, playing the piano on Sunday mornings and hosting Bible studies regularly.
When my dad’s meager salary couldn’t provide for their 5 girls, Mom went to nursing school and began working full-time.
When Dad succumbed to depression and addiction and couldn’t hold a job, Mom worked 70+ hours per week to keep our family afloat.
When we begged my Mom to divorce my Dad, she stayed faithful, praying and believing he would come around one day.
When we needed or wanted something, Mom would find a way to get it, even if it meant delving into her retirement fund.
Over the years she worked her way up from registered nurse with every special certification she could get to ER Director to hospital VP to CEO.
My Mom knows how to serve.
So when I realized last week that she has spent the last 3 years of her life stuck in a hospital bed in her living room fighting a mysterious infection from a back surgery that NO DOCTOR can seem to figure out, I began to get pretty ticked off.
When you’ve spent your life seeing your mother give to everyone else with little to no benefit to herself, seeing her unable to even care for herself is pretty infuriating.
And I’m not just mad at the doctors who seem incompetent and, at times, insensitive. I know they’re human with limited knowledge and resources.
I’m not just mad at the hospital where she contracted this infection, because they consistently lose or destroy all evidence of her infection, and because the company she used to work for owns the place. Again- human mistakes.
I am mad at the ONE PERSON who could do something about all of this mess.
Now, I know that asking, “why?” doesn’t really help in the middle of a mess.
I know that there is purpose in pain, even if you don’t know what the purpose is.
I’m thankful that my friend recommended this study on suffering by Tullian Tchividjian, which is really helping me understand how to process through this.
But all of that doesn’t take away the pain I feel when I realize my children barely know my mother because of all this. I spent my childhood fighting for moments with my mother, and I don’t want my kids to have to do the same thing.
So, I shouted at God. Loudly.
I cried to Him.
I screamed, I bawled, and I honestly scared myself, because I didn’t realize all of that was within me.
And therein lies the point. Holding in my feelings about God doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help our relationship. It hurts us both.
I’ve learned this lesson in my marriage, because holding in my frustration at my husband over the years only made me a bitter, emotional mess. Talking things out might feel scary, but it’s the only path toward reconciliation. If I can’t acknowledge OUT LOUD that there is a problem, I can’t pursue a solution.
So, if you’re like me, and you’re prone to hold in your feelings about God, STOP IT. Get out in a great big open field or a small empty closet and hash it out, man.
He can take it.
If you need inspiration, check out the story of Job in the Bible.
Even if you’re shouting at God, you’re still looking His way. He can’t walk you through healing until you admit you’re hurt.
And, hey, you’re not alone. 🙂 I’m walking this valley with you. In the end, we’re both going to look at one another with a knowing glance, because we made it, and we’re stronger.